Deep fried cheese, but make it “Mexican”
By Alexander Quebec

I do my best to write stuff that’s totally fun, informative, useful, or otherwise inspiring.

This is not going to be one of those posts, instead, go check out Deepak Chopra’s website if that’s what you’re looking for, and check back with me next week.

For the rest of you who decided “Naw, I got time to kill and/or nothing better to do”, I’m reviewing the jalapeño popper. There’s really no reason any sane human being should be eating these, but we still do, and they are amazing depending on where you get them from (or who makes them). They are the ultimate comfort food for cheap when you’re craving deep-fried cheese for no reason.

Trash – Jack in the Box

I’ll be honest, Jack in the Box does some great things. These are not one of those things.

It’s not so much that they suck overall, it’s more that there seems to be a consistency issue with these. Since JITB is mostly franchised, there are as many different ways to prepare them as there are franchisees out there, and each location I’ve been to seems to have a different version of what the finished product should look like. Seriously, I didn’t know these things could be made well done, but they sure can be.

Texture-wise, these things are okay, assuming you have good teeth and/or great dental insurance. The cheese in these things is okay, but that’s if they don’t fry these things until they resemble a chunk of ore from the ground. These used to be good, then something happened and now, well, I’ll let one of the chipped teeth in my mouth tell you a story.

Okayish – Carl’s Jr

I forgot that Carl’s Jr was a thing, it is still a thing.

These are more like a tater tot than a popper, more cheese than the jalapeño. They are pretty soft and chewy. Flavor-wise, it’s good, nothing too exciting although, to be frank, I love the deep-fried zucchini much better than these things.

Even Better – Wienerschnitzel

Der Wienerschnitzel tends to be the butt of all of the fast-food restaurants out there. To be fair, it is kinda sketch that you can get a meal to feed 300 for only $5 bucks (without a coupon I might add). It kinda makes you wonder what secrets these guys are hiding and why they haven’t cured world hunger, but that’s for another time.

In any case, when it came to their poppers, these guys pretty much said “f**k the jalapeño” and put in the bare minimum of jalapeño to legally allow them to call it a jalapeño popper. I am not one to complain though, the cheese they use in these is pretty good, plus the bread topping has more integrity than most of the current White House administration (as of 2020, I’m hoping this ages well). I usually get these and have it chase a mini corn dog when I’m at the WS near my house after an hard day at work…or a crying session.

Smash – Arby’s

Okay, before you ask, yes, I know where to find an Arby’s. I am probably one of a few keeping them open.

The ratio of pepper to cheese to crust is quite good, not too much. What astonishes me the most though however, is that they use an actual, identifiable jalapeño in their poppers. I mean, if it looks like one, smells like one, tastes like one, it is one. No jokes about it, you get exactly what you’re asking for. The cheese is a sufficient ratio to the jalapeño and breading, giving me an overall balanced jalapeño popper that I can enjoy while trying to eat my feelings like any normal American millennial does in this day and age.

If you found this information totally useless, then my work here is done.